A Letter To My Daughter Lena

Dear Lena, 

On your 7th birthday, there’s still a huge void without you here, that will never go away. As the years pass,  I imagine you here with us—running, laughing, playing alongside your sister, the same age as Clementine and our neighbors. You would fit in so perfectly. That was always the plan.

But life doesn’t always go as planned -that was the first big lesson I learned in parenthood. You were supposed to arrive in December 2018, our greatest gift. Instead, my world shattered the day we learned your heart had stopped while you were still growing inside me.

I still remember the shock, the disbelief. You were healthy. You were fully grown. You couldn’t be gone. I heard those words before and they were wrong - but this time, it wasn’t a mistake. Those words hit me like a ton of bricks, and from that moment on, everything in my life changed.

I’ve always been an optimist - I try to see the bright side, to stay positive and hopeful. And I still do—but now with a little less innocence. You can’t unlearn what it feels like to have a part of you die. I now know what fear and anxiety look like, and I’ve had to learn how to live with them, how to carry them, and how to keep moving forward.

I didn’t know then how important it was to count your kicks. I didn’t know that noticing a decrease could signal something was wrong. I don’t blame myself for what I didn’t know—but I wish you hadn’t had to die for me to learn. Now, because of you, I share this lesson with every mama I walk beside.

I am so grateful that I got to grow you, birth you, and hold you in my arms. I cherish every photo, every memory of the day you came into the world. I am grateful for all that you’ve taught me—for showing me how precious and fleeting life is, for deepening my gratitude, for shaping me into a new version of myself.

Your life and your death inspired me to become a doula, and to create Doula Synergy, to make sure that families walking this painful path never have to walk it alone. The tainted lens of loss has forever changed the way I see the world, but it also allows me to walk with others on this path with compassion and understanding that only experience can give. Your short life continues to ripple outward, touching lives you will never know, making the world better in quiet but powerful ways.

I love you forever, my sweet girl. We miss you so much.

Love Always, Mom

Forever in my heart